"What If? What If?"

Hello.

So here I am today, again, to bore you with my daily rant. Well, not so daily, if we’re being honest, because consistency hasn’t exactly been my strong suit lately. But yeah, here I am. And guess what? Newsflash: my exam timetable just dropped!!!

Dramatic pause? Maybe. But you know what? It feels dramatic to me. It’s like this paper dropped out of nowhere, and suddenly the countdown has begun. Tick, tock. Bro, I know that this time will travel by do fast that tomorrow, I'll be standing in front of my supervisor. Sigh, let's not ruin this good mood.

See, if this were a different day, a different me, I know exactly how this would go. The cycle is so predictable I could write a textbook on it—probably title it something like Muhsinah's Manual for Exam-Season Meltdowns. Step one: panic. Step two: shut down. Delete every app like they’re the problem, like their little icons are somehow stealing the focus I never had in the first place. Step three: bawl out my eyes in a corner where no one will see, drowning in my own fear of failure. Step four: read. Not calmly, not efficiently, but in this frenzied, desperate way that leaves me drained and makes my brain feel like Ewedu soup—slippery, slimy, and impossible to hold onto. And then, after 24 hours of chaos? Back to the same old routine, because at some point, you just stop caring.

But today, some demon possessed me and things went quite differently.

Today, I decided not to let my life revolve around this fear. The fear of failing, of disappointing myself, of standing face to face with that dreaded what if. What if I don’t make it? What if I fall short? What if, after writing this, I regret it because my results come out and they’re a mess?

You know what? So be it. What Allah wills happens, and I’ve decided to let go of the endless spiral of dread and regret. What matters is, I try and He knows I always do.

I told myself something different today. Something liberating: Live anyway.

And that’s exactly what I did.

I let myself experience life in the tiniest, most unexpected way. You know what I did? I accepted this pumpkin’s invite on a bicycle ride. Not some sleek, adult-sized thing, but not a kid’s bike either ,it was in between. An 11-year-old boy’s bike. Can you imagine the absurdity? I mean it's not too absurd as I rode his colorful motorcycle when I was nine and he was two years old. But this time, the size difference alone was enough to make anyone pause. But there I was, the “adult” I’m supposed to be, teetering on the edge of balance and common sense, because I said, “Why not?”

The fear kicked in, of course. “You’re going to fall with this boy,” it whispered. “You’ll scrape your knees, embarrass yourself, maybe even break something—your pride, for starters.” But for once, I didn’t listen. I climbed on anyway, wobbling like a toddler taking their first steps, and I laughed. I laughed because, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t trying to be perfect.

And I smiled.

I smiled because that moment—silly, small, insignificant to anyone else—felt huge to me. It felt like freedom.

And that is where I am going to make my point. We keep waiting for life to happen, for happiness to knock on our doors like some grand event. But what if happiness isn’t out there, waiting in the future we’re too afraid to face? What if it’s here, now, in these tiny, imperfect moments we overlook?

Tempus fugit. Time flies. The Latin phrase might sound cliché, but it’s true. Every second we spend paralyzed by fear, holding onto frustration, or waiting for the “right time” to live, is a second lost.

So today,a random Friday, I chose to live. To let go of the narrative that says my worth is tied to the outcome of an exam. To reject the idea that my life has to be perfect to be worth enjoying.

And I want you—whoever you are, reading this—to know something. Life doesn’t wait. Happiness doesn’t wait. If you’re holding your joy hostage, thinking the future will come and set it free, you’re robbing yourself.

This isn’t to say I’ve figured it all out. Far from it. The fear is still there, shaking it's head at my brazenness and giving me the wide-eyed look . But today, I told myself it doesn’t get to call the shots anymore.

So yes, my timetable dropped. Yes, I’ll still study. Yes, there’s a chance I could fail. But just as much as there's a chance I could ace. But I’ll ride that ridiculous bike. I’ll laugh. I’ll smile. I’ll live. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about erasing the fear—it’s about choosing to live in spite of it.

And if I fall—on that bike, in this exam, or anywhere else—I’ll get back up. Because falling isn’t failure. It’s just another way to move forward.

So here’s to living, not perfectly, but authentically. Here’s to the tiny moments that remind us we’re alive. Here’s to the smiles that come not because everything is okay, but because we choose them anyway.

And here’s to you, reading this, daring to live your life too.

(My worth is tied to the exam though, before I'll whine myself further).

Stay happy and alive,

Muhsinah♡